After the Lag

I haven't posted for a long time. So much has happened. Yes, there are new beginnings. I have a new job. I guess I could post about that. One more class is almost under my belt.

Return to Myself

We've recently bought a yearling horse for my daughter and I'm involved in helping her train it. The experiences have brought back memories. I have feelings and hunches I can't put into words, so it's hard to get a grasp on them when I try to communicate or to even think about the training. Then, as I'm working with the horse, I'll get a clear, visual thought, as if I can see myself from outside myself. I think she is bringing me back to nature and to beauty. I have the sense of returning full circle. God, let me be open to this experience and to receive Your blessings.

Finished

The job is finished officially, but there are still tasks which need follow-up. I somehow don't have a sense of completion or accomplishment as I usually would in such a circumstance. I wonder if it is because of the nature of being an independent contractor in this case.

The class I was taking is also finished. I ran into some problems with BlackBoard as I was taking the final exam, but that's all worked out now and all requirements are complete. I ended up with a high percentage score and I learned a lot.

My son is graduating in a few days and we are planning to make the trip to his ceremony.

This post does not seem to be about any of the themes I've chosen for this blog. Yet, I write it anyway.

Started the Job

Well, I've started the job. I'm not an employee, but an independent contractor with the public school. My official position is Outreach Specialist for the Out of School Youth Program. The work has been intense and the learning curve steep since day one. Another beginning.

I've been hesitant to post or to make much comment on the job. I guess I want some sense that it will be successfully completed before I comment. It's short term, grant funded. I'm drawing on much of my past experience, but am, also, called on to do things I've never done before. Right now I'm doing some simple computer graphics, but it doesn't seem so simple since it's all new to me. I am trying to focus each day on excellence of attitude and bringing no expectations or judgment to my work, just accepting this as an opportunity to serve.

The Tasks Before Me

"Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers. Pray for powers equal to your tasks. Then the doing of your work shall be no miracle, but you shall be the miracle."

— Phillips Brooks

I copied this from The Daily Gratitude Blog, one of my links. This is a place I go for inspiration regularly now. I've been saving this quote, thinking I'd possibly post it along with some comment, if and when I knew I had the position I was attempting to independently contract with the public school. Today I started. It's going to be quite a challenge and I do, indeed, need to pray for powers equal to the tasks. I attempt to go into this work, not with excitement and expectations, but with serenity and faith. My energy must come from the playing out of gratitude. I am definitely grateful for this opportunity.

Beginnings in Ends

"What we call a beginning is often the end
and to make an end is to make a beginning.
The end is where we start from."


"We shall not cease from exploration
and the end of all our exploring
will be to arrive where we started
and know the place for the first time."

~T. S. Eliot

Happy Birthday to Me

Today is the beginning of my 56th year on this earth. It seems my life is in such a state of flux it's not apparent what meaning to attach to this event. (And, the human mind does strive for meaning.) I know I desire balance. I've been through so many changes I suppose it's inevitable I'd still be reeling a bit, so I need to accept that. I fell in love (perhaps more on that incredible experience in another post), got married, moved from my community of over 30 years, sold my house, quit my job, and relocated-not to mention more personal situations too tender to mention here).

I remember as a child spinning about in a grassy, open area, just for the fun of it, then falling onto the ground, giggling and dizzy. When I started to get up, there was sometimes the prolonged moment of feeling nauseated and maybe wishing I hadn't spun quite so long or so fast. I would sink back to the earth and try to enjoy the sensation of dizziness again. Eventually I'd regain a sense of balance and again start to get up and walk. As I walked it was quite unpleasant for a while; I might be able to walk upright, but not without great effort. It was only a short moment after that my balance would return and I could move about normally. Perhaps this memory is a metaphor for me right now. I believe I'm in the getting up and walking stage, but it is with great effort.

image from hubpages.com

Stand By Me

This is a beautiful video: vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip-id=2539741

Oh God, my God!

Another song by "Mana" at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ujZSP8PsDrk&feature=related...helps me remember the whole universe is a sacred space!

Thy Name is My Healing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QkOTwD-N4Fs&feature=related

Decisions and Medical Insurance

I've carried medical insurance previously, but this is the first time in almost 20 years that I've been covered under a group plan, thanks to my husband's medical insurance that is provided through his employer. It's still expensive, but doesn't have an outrageously high deductible. When I was a kid my parents never had medical insurance. With three brothers and myself there was never a broken bone and never a trip to the emergency room that I know of. The message was, be careful and don't get sick. Then, we had childhood ailments that have gone by the wayside: measles, mumps, chickenpox. I think it was a large part of my mother's responsibilities just to nurse us children when we were sick. I really didn't realize how important medical insurance was when I quit my job with benefits to stay home more with my own children when my second was born.

At age 55 I think I'm just beginning to realize the consequences of many of my former actions. Does it really do any good, though? There are often so many factors that come into play in any decision. As I move into a new phase of life I'll be, most likely, making a lot of decisions based on just as much lack of insight and foresight. I think I often don't know if decisions are the choice that leads to a right action. Who is to say whether the career choices I've made up to this point were the "right" ones? Being without work tends to make one question oneself. The best I know to do is to enter decision-making through the door of faith, be truthful, be aware, consult with trusted advisers, pray and meditate on the matter, and decide. When I've done this I can be at peace with the matter.

Uplifting Words

"Ours be the poems of all tongues,
All things of loveliness and worth.
All arts, all ages and all songs,
One life, one beauty on the earth"

~by Kenneth L. Patton

Recently I have become more aware of my passion for enjoying the creative expression of others and for encouraging that expression.

Spring

Today is the first day of spring, the March equinox, Naw-Ruz, the beginning of a new year. We're traveling to Muncie to celebrate with old friends. It's a time of the natural balance between the length of daylight and dark. Today I honor renewal.


This music expresses so much, a fitting tribute to the season. Israel Kamakawiwo'ole was truly a blessing to humanity through his music. One cannot help but recall the renditions of former artists, though, and I think this enhances the overall emotional impact of the piece. I can't seem to get this to post as a link, but the address is www.dailymotion.com/video/xeb6n_somewhere-over-the-rainbow.

A Garden of Delight

Today I finally worked through an issue and let go of a lingering pain. The story is that a certain someone, a significant person in my life, some time ago made a hurtful statement as to the substance of my life. I took it to heart and fed on the anger resulting from the fear that there was an element of truth to the statement. I was energized by the anger, which helped me take some actions I needed to take at the time, but the anger has long ago dissipated and I was left with this sort of wearisome and obstructing billboard in my mind where I had pasted up the words of degradation in bold print. Today I stripped the billboard, tore it down, marked off a garden plot and created an affirmation of my choosing, "My life is a garden of delight."

I already have fertilizer, so it won't be long before I'll be ready to plant.

image from outsider-artists.net

A Marriage of Words and Visuals

Today I committed to a creative process which involves the marriage of two of my loves, words and visuals. I'm not sure what form this will take, but after poking about at the Swope Art Museum when my original place of destination was closed, I gained focus on a creative urge which has been welling up inside.

A Good Day

"It's a good day when: Work is accomplished. Play is learned. Love is felt. Fun is enjoyed."

I got this quote from one of my favorite professors and I don't know if it was original with her or not. I think it's generic enough it doesn't need a by-line. It seems good guidance for staying on track. There is balance here.

From Alice in Wonderland

"There is no use trying, " said Alice; "one can't believe impossible things."

"I dare say you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."

~Lewis Carroll

Facebook List

Last week I made a "gratitude" list on Facebook and posted. I had a few responses. This week I did it again and got some responses again, so I think I'll continue. "Humpday" would probably be a good time to plan to post on a weekly basis. So far, it's been an encouragement to me, so, probably somebody else will benefit as well. I think it'll be interesting in the weeks ahead to see how people respond. Maybe we can spread a little gratitude.

I found some inspiring blogs when I googled "gratitude blog". Maybe I'll be able to connect with some uplifting energies.

Inspiration for Job Hunting

Magnified be Thy Name, O Lord my God! I am the one who hath turned his face towards Thee and hath placed his whole reliance in Thee. I implore Thee by Thy Name whereby the ocean of Thine utterance hath surged and the breezes of Thy knowledge have stirred, to grant that I may be graciously aided to serve Thy Cause and be inspired to remember Thee and praise Thee. Send down then upon me from the heaven of Thy generosity that which will preserve me from anyone but Thee and will profit me in all Thy worlds.

Verily, Thou art the Powerful, the Inaccessible, the Supreme, the Knowing, the Wise.

(Baha'u'llah, Tablets of Baha'u'llah, p. 267-69)

Thank you at bahaimosaic.blogspot.com for words of practical inspiration selected from the Baha'i Writings. Your posting of March 4 presented spiritual guidance concerning a means of livelihood.

Like Poetry

image from outsider-artists.net

The following is a quote about the Fast that I just copied from bahaimosaic.blogspot.com. It is so poetic and speaks to my heart of the healing nature of the Fast. The line breaks are mine.

He chose our hearts
and asked of us
surrender
of the ancient hurts,
the active fears
and failings
with which we wound each other
and mar the splendid unity
we seek in Faith.

Can we find strength
and will
to cancel out
the caustic criticisms,
the long-embroidered slights,
the outraged pride,
the unexplained hostility,
the bitterness
of ingrown loneliness,
the cruel-edged perfection
with which we weigh each other?

These are the heavy weights
which ground our spirits
and our prayers.

National Spiritual Assembly of the Baha'is of the United States, 1950

Let me remember, "He chose our hearts..."

Fear

Here are a couple of quotes I've seen recently that have reminded me of an insight a colleague shared with me some years ago.

"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." ~Yoda from Star Wars

"Named must your fear be before banish it you can." ~Yoda from Star Wars

It's a bit hard to explain the insight, but I can explain the process and remind myself that it works. Whenever confronted by some situation where a person seems to come up against you in anger, ask yourself, "What is the fear?"

This might apply to my own fear or the fear of the other person. When I can identify it, then I can deal with it and take appropriate action (or non-action). Always, my response must be from a position of compassion. When I do this stressful situations often dissipate.

Job Hunting

This job hunting business is difficult and at times disheartening, a real test of reliance on God. In the spirit of the original purpose of this blog, let me focus on the positive.

Reestablishing myself in the world of work, hopefully in the area of my experience and chosen career path, is a big part of this whole-life transition. It has been clear to me in the past that God has guided me in my work endeavors and has placed me where He wanted me to be. I trust this process continues. I've had experiences of just having jobs practically handed to me out of the blue and of ardently praying and then receiving an answer laid out before me which required detailed and persistent follow through. One job seemed so directly arranged by spiritual forces that the initial interview for that job remains one of the most vivid spiritual experiences of my life. I am letting these past experiences serve as an assurance in times of doubt.

I'll just keep praying and knocking on doors. I will cherish the moments of encouragement I receive and let them inspire me, even when they don't pan out the way I might want. I'll keep my heart and mind focused on work as worship; by serving mankind I serve God. I'll be open to the guidance and strength to carry out what I come to believe is God's will for my work life.

Wild Strawberries

Here's a parable that inspires me. It's a reminder to be aware of the joy in the moment.

A traveler was walking along life's path when a tiger began chasing her. She ran, but found herself blocked at the edge of a cliff, the tiger on one side and the cliff on the other. As her mind raced to decide which direction to go the ground gave out from under her and she began to fall. She reached out and grabbed a root that protruded from the cliff face and she hung on for dear life with both hands, only to find that within a matter of seconds the root began to give way. The tiger snarled above her; jagged rocks threatened below her. At that moment she spied a clump of wild strawberries ripening on the side of the cliff near her hand. Her mind calmed and fear left her. She reached out with one hand, picked them and ate them, savoring their sweetness and flavor.

Moral: Let go of the fear so you can grab the joy.

Today, Lord, let me see the wild strawberries and gobble them up. Let me taste the sweetness of life. Let me experience gratitude in the here and now. Let me remember that NO MATTER WHAT you hold me in the palm of your hand.

Children

This quote expresses my deepest feelings about my children. I used to have a cassette tape that had these words set to music. I lost it and have since searched for it from time to time. EVERY SINGLE TIME I listened to it my eyes welled with tears and I felt the burning and brilliant shining of love in my heart.

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

~from The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran



It's the last line that touches me most deeply. I feel my love for my children and know something of God's love for them. Then, I am assured He loves me even as He loves them. I know this is an infinite love because I know that's the kind of love I have for my children. How much greater must God's love be?

image from outsider-artists.net

Luck

Here is another story that has helped me detach and not judge the events of my life.

A man owned a beautiful stallion and his neighbors often remarked on how lucky he was to own such a fine horse.

To this he replied, "Maybe, maybe not," and he went about his business.

One day the stallion broke out and ran away. His neighbors came by and remarked on how unlucky he was that he had lost the fine horse.

To this he replied, "Maybe, maybe not," and he went about his business.

A few weeks later the stallion returned leading a small herd of wild mares. The man corralled them and his neighbors came by and remarked on how lucky he was that fate had bestowed upon him such a find herd of horses.

"Maybe, maybe not."

He went about the business of breaking the horses along with his only son. His son was thrown by one of the wild horses while he was breaking it to ride. The fall broke his thigh. Of course, the neighbors expressed their opinions about how unlucky the man was that this series of events had resulted in his son's injury.

"Maybe, maybe not," was the man's only reply and he continued breaking the horses by himself while his son recuperated.

Before his son's broken bone healed, war broke out in the country and when all the able-bodied young men were conscripted to serve in the military the son was passed over by the draft because of his injury. Now, the neighbors came by and said, "You are so lucky your son does not have to serve in this unjust and futile war."

"Maybe, maybe not,"

free background image from art.blogspot.com

Mandala

I drew a mandala. It seems to be a holistic representation of the thought patterns that are leading me into a new place in life. I won't attempt to interpret what I learned about mandalas, but there are many sources of information. There seem to be two basic kinds, healing and teaching. I think mine is a combination of both. It's self-expression, just for me, a kind of meditation.

The Raft

I heard a story recently about a traveler who built a raft to cross a raging river on her journey through life. She reached the other side successfully. Thinking she might need the raft again, she kept it and ended up carrying it for the rest of her life.

This is what we humans do. During times of tests or danger we build habits or ways of thinking that protect or sustain us. Then, we keep these long past the time of their usefulness. During times of high stress we may try to use these old ways when it is new ways that are needed.

It is the same with material possessions. We need, or at least think we need, certain items during particular times or for particular uses in our lives. Then, we may keep them long past the time of their usefulness. They weigh us down and hamper our development and mobility.

I have resisted materialism all my life, only to find it has crept in quietly and infected my life. As for any malady, there is a healing that needs to take place. I think, now, that materialism is just as insidious as racism and the healing starts with scrubbing out the old wound.

Happiness

"I believe that satisfaction, joy and happiness are the ultimate purposes of life. And the basic sources of happiness are a good heart, compassion, and love." The Dalai Lama



Today I saw this quote on a blog that I want to revisit: mariposapsychotherapy.blogspot.com. For the past several years I have worked as an educator in connection with the mental health profession and I miss my former co-workers dearly. Visiting this sight seemed almost like a visit with them. As I write this I am reminded again that every change involves a loss of the former so the new can come into being. I have said my former job was like spiritual boot camp. It was an adventure and a challenge. It brought me a sense of satisfaction and I believe it helped me develop spiritually. It helped sustain me through a difficult period in my life and through the work I developed professional skills that I may use to move myself into this new phase of my life, here in a different community. The author uses the symbol of a butterfly as a recurring theme of metamorphosis and transformation. Again, I am reminded of the inspiration people receive from nature. Are the struggles I'm currently experiencing simply the hard work of emerging from the chrysalis? Maybe if I visualize myself as a butterfly...

image from csslara.com

Threads

I feel like I'm picking up the threads of my life and beginning again. Maybe this blog is helping me find a pattern. I want to stick to my original purpose. It is a part of my creative process to move within a structure.

It seems I prefer to post about twice a week. So, today I'm making a commitment to myself to do that. It's just a loose commitment, just a pattern to keep me going. (I think of this fabric I'm weaving as gauze-like, floating on the breeze.) I've used writing in that way in my life before. I've gone through periods of time where I've written stories. I like to collect stories that inspire me, too. I try to commit them to memory so I can retell them, though I'm not very good at it. They are my souvenirs of life.

I've written quite a lot of poetry, probably enough to fill a comfortable sized volume. Sometimes I think of compiling it. Would it be simply for my own self expression?

A Borrowed Affirmation

"I am...discovering how to embrace and honor all the experiences that life has to offer me, even those I choose to let go."~~Sacha Stephens-Avery

Healing Prayer

Check out artist Allen Tyrone at http://projectmelody.org/. I wanted to upload his rendition of the Long Healing Prayer, but it was too long. He offers some beautiful free downloads.

Happy Valentine's Day

I am so in love!













image from outsider-artists.net

A New Sister

This moving to another area has had a domino effect. Some changes are bittersweet. For one, my dearest friend who has been easily accessible because she was my neighbor, is no longer close by. This has been a great loss for me. Over a period of years that nearly spans the lifetimes of our children we had often walked miles in the early morning hours. I shared detailed aspects of my life with her I would not have shared with any other person. We have had a truly spiritual friendship, helping one another to stay on the right path. She never hesitated to tell me when she thought I was wrong, but I always knew she was in my corner. It is her companionship I miss the most. I will always remember the beauty of walking along the riverside in the early morning cool and spotting cranes in the water through the rising mist.

Such moments of companionship just cannot be a constant now for us at this distance.

So, I recently told her in one of our phone conversations that she has now simply become my sister, that I see no other solution. She was gracious enough to agree that's good.

Two Things

Today I'm going to concentrate on doing two things that I need to get done even though I don't really want to face them. I'm going to go into this with no expectations, knowing that I may make mistakes and that things may not turn out as I would like.

Strive

video from amessageinabottle.ca

The Hand

It was two summers ago, a few days before I met the man that would become my husband, that I was privileged to hear a story which helped me more clearly understand some things about right relationships. I had gone to a campgrounds with a particular question in my mind and thinking that while I was there I'd be around somebody who would know about the pertinent subject and would be able to answer my question. The question was about an aspect of Native American spiritual teachings. There was a woman there, with whom I was acquainted, who was Indian, Cherokee, I think, so I waited for an appropriate moment and posed the question. She readily answered, and then hung back to leisurely finish breakfast at the table where I sat. When the other campers had left the table she told me she wanted to speak to me about something. She spoke about the maturation of my daughter into a young woman. We engaged in thoughtful conversation. She stressed that I am my daughter's primary teacher concerning womanhood. Then, her eyes became very focused and she said she felt the need to warn me about a spiritual danger that I faced in my own life.

She began to speak of a danger and two or three times asked me, "Do you understand?" as she attempted to make her points.

To this, I repeatedly replied, "No, I don't understand."

She appeared frustrated with our attempt to communicate, but I looked into her eyes and admitted, "I don't understand what you're talking about."

At this, she became quiet and took another approach. Her countenance changed and I felt she revealed herself to me as she would have within her own culture. Her face softened and she resumed speaking with a strong, quiet voice. She began to gesture with her hands as she told me a story that I will try to retell as I remember it.

She held out her hand and gestured over it, stating, "This is your life."

Then, she said, "I will tell you about the people who are safe to be in your life. This is what brings you power"

She brought together her fingertips and pressed them into the palm of the outstretched hand. "This is your family," she said, explaining to me that as many people could be in my family as I was able to hold and that the choice of who I hold in my family is mine alone.

"You can hold many people in the palm of your hand."

She talked about blood family: mother, father, brothers, sisters, grandparents, aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews, children, grandchildren, and cousins. She went on to state that we take non-related people into our family, but that the relationships are the same, that it must be this way. Three people walked by who paused to greet her with hugs and affectionate words. When they moved on, she told me these were such people to her. The husband was her brother, the wife was her sister, and the child was a niece, though they were not blood relatives.

Then, she touched her four fingers and told me that these are special women friends, that there are four positions, and that if these positions are filled with the right friends this will give me strength. She said these people may come and go in my life for many different reasons and that I must be able to adjust and find others to fill the positions. She told me that there is only room for four of this kind of friend and that a woman needs all four of such female friends to develop her potential. They are companions on the spiritual journey and they each have a time and a purpose for traveling with me.

"There are no men in these positions."

She grasped her thumb, deep into the base.

"This is your man. There is only one. See how the thumb joins into the hand and how important it is? The hand is very limited without the thumb."

"When the thumb is severed from the hand there is a big injury. This represents your life. You have had a big injury, but there is a big healing possible and another man can come into your life. There is only one and he will be joined to you as the thumb is joined to the hand."

"Do you understand?"

"Yes, I understand."

New President

We have a new president. The hope is that it's a new day for America. How can I derive inspiration from recent events to persistently continue the hard work of renewing my life?

PPP

In moments of turmoil I can pause to process my perception, not to analyze, not to strategize, not to criticize, but to recognize. Through observation of both my outer and inner state I come to a deep awareness of my total immersion and unity with the Life Force, which is Love.










image from outsider-artists.net

The Pathway

Serenity is my desire. Serenity stems from truthfulness. Truthfulness is the foundation of a life of serenity. I walk the pathway of serenity with gratitude and faith. Gratitude brings joy which gives me a spiritual energy I like to call wings. This uplifts me to a holy place. Faith gives me strength, which results in perseverance. I rely on my Creator for the inspiration and guidance that directs both my stillness and my movement.

Compassion manifests itself in the kindness that leads to my service to humanity and truthfulness leads to the awareness that is necessary for my right action. Through this path I come to serenity and I enter into peace. This is the journey of life, which is simply an entering into the center of my being where I experience a stillness that immerses me in the Creative Force.

As I remain in truthfulness my heart unfolds with compassion. I take right action and continue to experience awareness of both my inner and outer being. I respond to my unique life experience with kindness to myself and others, enabled to be of service beyond my capacity as I walk with my gaze fixed on the Creative Source.

Faith keeps me centered and my gratitude increases. I persevere with the strength I am provided by the Provider. I am lifted up and supported. I walk in joy. This is the pathway I am taking to becoming who I am, a loved child of God.

image from outsider-artists.net

A Moment of Clarity

Walking the labyrinth must have created a focused meditative experience, for a couple of days later, an insight came to me totally beyond what I had expected, and totally beyond the issue upon which I had meditated. I experienced a moment of clarity which infused me with joy. I was given both a visual image and the words to help me stay focused, especially in times of tests. Upon returning home, only a few minutes after this experience, I opened the mailbox to find notice of some unexpected news which I would have been spiritually unprepared to handle had I not just experienced that moment. As it was, I accepted calmly what life handed me and felt assured that God was with me in that moment and for whatever I will face in this matter. The image is in the form of a seed labyrinth with four quadrants and words associated with certain key spots. The image provides cues for the thoughts that lead me to a great calm.

Sacred Spaces

I have spent some time in the past few weeks exploring the nearby parks, particularly searching for a place that feels like a sacred space to me. Yesterday, we came upon a pine grove on a knoll above a marshy area. Also, I walked a labyrinth while meditating on a specific transition I am going through, then picked up a rock to bring home as a reminder of the insight that came to me. I later learned that this labyrinth is one of the largest and most beautiful within a hundred mile radius of my new home.

An Old Journal

This is part of a journal entry I found from December 23, 2006:

"I feel as if I have come to almost a complete stillness in my soul. I ask only that I be open to love, that I may give and receive love without obstruction, that I grow in infinite intimacy with my Creator as I joyfully embrace the co-creative experience. May I be fully human-in servitude unto my Lord."

Now, I look back at the amazing events that have unfolded, both within my own life and in the outer world. First, there were the confirmations, then the tests. It has been tumultuous for me, but now I am back to the peace and I am grateful.